Spiritual practices can help grieving children

by Jacueline Herrera (Featured in San Antonio Express-News¹)

For many of us, including children, current events can incite overwhelming emotion. From the war in Ukraine to the shooting in Uvalde, it can feel as though we are constantly faced with acts of violence and tragic loss. Children are naturally curious and may want to understand what is happening in their world. They may experience confusion, pain, anger, sadness and fear. Many profound and complicated questions arise, and one’s spirituality can be a powerful source of support. Hope, faith, and belief are protective factors associated with resilience in children.

When I speak of spirituality, I lean on the definition of researcher Lisa Miller, founder of the Spirituality Mind Body Institute at Columbia University: “Spirituality is an inner sense of relationship to a higher power that is loving and guiding. The word we give to this higher power might be God, nature, spirit, the universe, the creator, or other words representing a divine presence. But the important point is that spirituality encompasses our relationship and dialogue with this higher presence.”

Children thrive in loving relationships, and their relationship with a divine presence, family, and community helps them make meaning of what is happening around them. Mourning and grief look different for each child. It is a personal process that is not linear. Some children may express pain through crying, anger, withdrawing, or acting out. Children must have adults to listen, provide a safe environment, and encourage exploration of their grief and loss. This can look like sitting with a child in their pain or helping them label their feelings. Many children (and adults) may question their spirituality; they may blame or be angry at God. Providing space for their anger increases their sense of safety and validates their experience and feelings — and is necessary for them to make meaning of what has happened.

I was once working with a school-aged child whose family sought therapy to help her process previous traumatic events. Unfortunately, during treatment, she experienced further loss. Her parent died from COVID-19, and shortly after, a close family member was diagnosed with a terminal illness. In one session, during a coloring activity, she unexpectedly stated that she was angry at God, emphasizing that God was taking away her loved ones. She expressed anger and confusion, which shortly after turned to sadness. Through our relationship, she was able to put words to her experience; this led her to begin to heal.

You do not have to be a professional to help a child, particularly your own.

Here are some practical applications to help a child navigate suffering:

• Maintain routines — this helps rebuild their sense of safety and familiarity.

• Share your feelings in an age-appropriate way — this provides an example they can model.

• Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspectives.

• Integrate spiritual practices into your daily routines, such as going on a walk and engaging your senses, listening to spiritual music, or spending time coloring how you are feeling.

Integrating the child’s view of God as a source of comfort and security is important for their spiritual well being and resilience.

The more a child feels safe and loved by significant adults, and a divine presence, the more they can make meaning of difficult life experiences.

Jacqueline Herrera is a licensed psychologist at Clarity Child Guidance Center. She will speak on “Spirituality in Childhood” at Claritycon — the annual Continuing Education Unit at the Children’s Mental Health summit this week at the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort. For more, visit claritycgc.org/

¹Source
San Antonio Express-News. 2022. “Spiritual practices can help grieving children”
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